One of the biggest challenges for mixed-faith parents is navigating their children’s religious participation. Questions like:
Should the non-believing parent encourage church attendance?
Should the believing parent be okay with the kids staying home?
Should children decide week to week whether they attend?
If they stop going, will they ever want to go back?
How much authority should parents have over their child’s religious involvement?
This dilemma often creates tension between control and autonomy. One parent may feel that allowing kids to opt out of church is overly permissive, while the other may feel that forcing them to go is too rigid. Both perspectives are valid, and both parents want the best for their children.
The key is to move beyond the binary of indulgence vs. control. Instead, parents can focus on the WHY behind their approach—whether encouraging attendance or permitting non-attendance—while maintaining healthy parental leadership.
Is Your WHY About Something You Can’t Control?
When considering your approach, it’s important to recognize what is within your control as a parent and what isn’t. Overstepping into areas that belong to the child’s personal development can create problems for the child's development and problems within the relationship.
Here are some things parents can’t control about their children’s spiritual lives:
Whether they feel connected to religion or find value in it
Whether they develop a personal testimony
How much they prioritize religious practices like prayer or scripture study
Whether they enjoy being part of a religious community
Whether they desire a relationship with the divine
Their personal beliefs about God and faith
Their preferences and motivations around church participation
If your WHY for requiring church attendance is rooted in trying to control one of these factors, you may be stifling the breathing room they need to develop their own sense of spirituality. This ultimately won’t help them and may also create problems in your relationship with your child.
However, there are other WHYs that allow for healthy parental leadership without overcrowding their personal development space.
I categorize these WHYs into two areas:
1. WHYs Related to Family Structure, Logistics, and Parental Well-being
Sometimes, asking kids to attend church isn’t about controlling their beliefs—it’s about maintaining structure in the home and managing parental energy.
For example, in my family, we follow a schedule for church attendance:
Some weeks we all attend together.
Some weeks no one goes, and we do something else.
Some weeks the kids have a choice.
On days my children don’t want to go on a week we planned to attend, I still require them to go—not because I believe they need to attend for spiritual reasons, but because our family functions better with a predictable schedule. Logistically, there’s a lot involved in getting out the door on time for early morning church. Without structure and a plan, Sunday mornings turn into chaos, which takes a toll on my parenting energy.
Similarly, some parents allow their children to stay home from church to preserve their own emotional well-being. If church mornings turn into a weekly battle, the believing parent may choose to attend alone to protect their worship experience.
This isn’t about indulgence—it’s about setting boundaries for their own well-being and their own worship experience.
2. WHYs Related to Personal Values and Family Principles
Many parents encourage or require church attendance—or allow children to stay home—based on family values rather than religious beliefs. These might include:
Contributing to a community
Spending time together as a family
Engaging in opportunities to expand perspective
Supporting one another
Engaging in activities that promote well-being
Fostering relationships with other people
For example, in my family, I sometimes ask my children to attend because I value supporting my husband, just as I ask them to support their siblings by attending recitals or sporting events—even if they don’t want to.
This doesn’t mean I require them to believe or enjoy it (that is outside of my control), but I do expect them to show up for family sometimes.
Likewise, some parents allow children to stay home but remain principled rather than letting their children call the shots. They may ask children to engage in other activities that support the family—such as chores or prepping a meal—to free up time so that the family can enjoy time together later.
In our home, if our kids stay home, we ask them to contribute in some way, whether that means doing some chores or packing lunches so we can go on a family picnic or outing after church.
This isn’t about abandoning principles or giving children complete control—it’s about upholding values in a way that respects both parental leadership and a child’s autonomy.
Finding Balance as a Principled Mixed-Faith Parent
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to church participation in mixed-faith families. However, focusing on finding a WHY as a parent that doesn’t involve overstepping into areas you can’t control can help you strike a balance between autonomy and structure for healthy parental leadership.
Differentiation-based parenting therapist, author, and teacher Dr. Jenny Brown talks in her book Confident Parenting about how “grown-up parents help grow-up children.”
When she refers to grown-up parents, she means those who are principled—who put effort into clarifying their own values and focus on what is within their control, rather than overcrowding their child’s developmental space.
She writes, “Mature parenting is not related to good technique, but to nurturing a parent's character.”
When it comes to mixed-faith parenting, I believe that nurturing a parent’s character is all about developing your own principles and your WHY—rather than focusing on your child’s church participation.
Instead of falling into the extremes of forcing attendance or giving up all authority, parents can take a principled approach—one that protects their own energy, supports their values, and respects their child’s autonomy.
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