Parenting in a Mixed-Faith Marriage? Start With the Fundamentals

One thing I’ve learned from working with mixed-faith couples, and with couples in general, is that when the parenting partnership becomes complex or strained, many forget to return to the fundamentals.

Parenting is hard. It’s emotional, triggering, and activating. It taps into deeper parts of us, which adds layers of complexity. And complexity is one of the biggest stressors on relationship systems.

A couple might function fairly well—until stress and complexity start to pile on. That’s when things begin to break down. Parenting brings both. And in mixed-faith parenting, you're often navigating extra layers of stress and complexity.

This is why it’s essential to come back to your core relational skills—your fundamentals. These are what allow a couple to stay resilient and collaborative when the terrain gets rough.

Even when the challenge seems concrete—like deciding whether to attend church as a family, how to handle an upcoming baptism, or whether your child will attend seminary or go to the temple—what’s actually being tested are your relationship basics:

• Can you manage conflict without spiraling?

• Can you listen with generosity?

• Can you speak with respect and clarity?

• Can you center yourselves on shared goals, even in the midst of disagreement?

For many mixed-faith couples, the answer—under stress—is often no. And that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It likely means no one ever taught you how.

The Mountain Biking Analogy

When my older boys got into mountain biking, I learned the basics so I could ride with them. They’ve since far surpassed me in skill, but I still ride with my younger kids. What I’ve noticed, especially on more technical terrain, is that when the trail gets steep or challenging, I often forget the basics.

Instead of staying loose and fluid, I tense up. I start looking straight down at the trail instead of ahead. I tuck in my elbows instead of keeping them out for balance. I stop using the techniques I’ve learned and start trying to protect myself. And that’s when I lose control.

Here’s the thing: when you abandon the basics on difficult terrain, you crash.

The same thing happens in mixed-faith parenting. The more complex the issue—especially around values, beliefs, or identity—the more likely couples are to forget the basics of their relationship.

Out of self-protection, they stop listening. They speak more harshly or with judgment. They forget to cherish each other. They focus only on the obstacle right in front of them and lose connection to the broader purpose of what they’re building together as a family.

What Are the Fundamentals?

Many couples never learned these skills to begin with. That’s not your fault—most of us didn’t grow up in homes where healthy conflict, emotional regulation, or differentiation were modeled.

So when parenting stress hits, especially in mixed-faith families, the partnership often falters.

Without these relationship fundamentals, navigating mixed-faith parenting is like trying to descend steep terrain without knowing how to shift your weight or use your brakes. And when I forget those basics on a trail, I crash. Couples do too—emotionally, and relationally.

So What Are the Relationship Basics?

There are several great frameworks for identifying the fundamentals of a strong relationship. Two I often refer to are:

• Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House 

• Terry Real’s 5 Winning Strategies (read about it in his book The New Rules of Marriage)

  
  

While each model has its own language, they emphasize many of the same core ideas. For simplicity, I group the fundamentals into three categories:

1. Self-Regulation

• Can you pause when you're triggered instead of reacting?

• Can you tolerate not getting your way immediately?

• Can you manage your emotional state enough to have hard conversations with clarity and care?

  
  

2. Communication

• Can you speak respectfully and listen generously?

• Can you take turns instead of interrupting?

• Can you stay on topic instead of spiraling into past hurts?

• Can you express yourself without blame or criticism—and accept that your partner’s experience is valid too?

• Can you make clear requests instead of complaining or being passive-aggressive?

  
  

3. Friendship & Cherishing

• Do you genuinely care about your partner’s dreams, values, and well-being—even when they differ from your own?

• Do you advocate for both of you to get what matters most?

• Do you speak and act in ways that reflect care, consideration, and warmth?

Mixed-Faith Parenting Problems Are Often Relationship Problems

If you’re stuck in parenting decisions—especially those involving faith—it may not be a parenting issue at all. It may be a sign that your relationship lacks the skills to manage that level of complexity.

Mixed-faith parenting struggles are often marriage struggles in disguise.

That’s why I often recommend couples pause the parenting decision-making and strengthen their partnership first. Ask yourselves:

• How are we showing up to each other in this complexity?

• How are we communicating under pressure?

• Are we listening, regulating, and responding with intention—or simply reacting?

This might mean:

• Holding off on decisions about church or baptism

• Pressing pause on major family changes

• Getting support to handle conflict more effectively

• Learning and practicing new ways of listening, self-regulating, and communicating

I know this can be frustrating. Most couples want quick fixes. They want decisions, certainty, and clarity about what to do next. There are always aspects of mixed-faith parenting that need decisions and attention. And I get wanting a quick fix—that is a normal human tendency.

Wanting fast solutions without learning the fundamentals doesn’t set you up to handle the next hard moment. And it won’t help you grow the kind of relationship that can hold steady through complexity.

Conclusion: Start With the Fundamentals

You don’t have to ride this terrain like a pro. But if you can build the relationship "muscle memory" of listening well, speaking clearly, regulating your emotions, and cherishing each other—then you can navigate even the steepest parenting challenges without doing unnecessary damage to your relationship.

Work on the relationship first. Then return to the parenting questions—with more clarity, connection, and confidence in your ability to face them together.

Need Help Strengthening the Fundamentals in Your Mixed-Faith Parenting?

If you're in a mixed-faith marriage and struggling to make parenting decisions or feeling stuck in recurring conflict, you're not alone. Many couples were never taught the skills needed to handle this kind of complexity.

As a couples coach, I help partners rebuild the foundation of their relationship so they can move through differences with more skill, trust, and collaboration.

💬 Reach out for a free consultation to start strengthening your relationship skills today. 📧 Email me at suzettehaltermancoaching@gmail.com 🌐 Learn more at suzettehaltermancoaching.com