
Our default programming as humans makes us think that other people want what we want, value what we value, and see things like we see things and that we should be in sync more often than not. This gets in the way of relationships because we are always surprised that our partner can take the same situation and view things completely differently. We feel so frustrated that they don’t want the same things as us and don’t want to do things the same way. It’s almost like every day, we are surprised by this fact and get upset about the reality that we are on different pages most of the time.
Studies confirm that humans in relationships aren’t in sync with each other most of the time. Fascinating research by Ed Tronik and Claudia Gold studied mother and infant interactions and found that parents were only correctly attuned to their child’s emotional experience 30% of the time. The rest of the time, they misread cues or missed cues altogether. Their research concluded that the constant moving in and out of sync between parent and child actually helps create relationship trust and resilience and that not being in sync is a necessary part of relationship and connection. Hence the name of their book, The Power of Discord.
This matches well with the research from Dr. Gottman, which found that 69% of couples' conflicts are about unresolvable issues and ways that they can’t get in sync because they are different people and have different needs. That leaves 31% of the time they CAN get in sync enough to solve relationship problems relatively quickly and move on from that conflict or disagreement.
All of this shows that it is entirely normal and expected that in a good relationship, maybe you can get in sync, be on the same page, and see things the same about 30% of the time. That is not very often! The rest of the time, you won’t be in sync, which is normal and even helpful to the relationship. Sometimes, having more realistic expectations saves us from many unproductive and unhelpful actions!
What this means for our relationships is that it might be more beneficial to assume that we will be out of sync on things most of the time. How would things be different if you started conversations assuming your partner won’t see things the way you do, will misunderstand you, will value and prioritize other things than you, etc.? Starting with this assumption may lead to a more productive goal of “How do we stay okay through this daily? How can we experience the disconnect and the fact that we aren’t in sync yet still feel connected as a couple?”
Connection does not have to mean seeing things the same way. Being ok in your relationship does not mean you are in sync most of the time. Connection, even though you may be on entirely different pages, can look like this:
Acceptance of being out of sync and moving on to just enjoying each others’ company.
Humor about how different you are and the situations you find yourselves in.
Trying to understand so that you can just know your person better without the expectation that you will see things the same way.
Finding some temporary solutions or compromises to keep things moving forward without trying to get your partner to be in sync with you.
Physical touch to let your person know that you care about them regardless of how out of sync you might be.
Expressions of fondness and appreciation. You don’t have to see things the same way to appreciate and like your partner and to express positive things to them.
Acts of generosity, consideration, service, and care to build the trust that your willingness to connect as a partner is not a result of the ways that you are the same.
Simply be interested in your partner's thoughts and feelings and turn your attention to them.
These are some ways that you can still get back into connection or remain in connection even when you are out of sync. When you have realistic expectations that you will be out of sync most of the time, you can know to put your energy into prioritizing the things in the above list over what we all tend to do, which is instead try to get our partner to value what we value, see things how we see them, think as we think, and act how we act. When you prioritize connection over being in sync, you create a broader range in your relationship where you can feel connected no matter your differences. This makes your relationship so much more flexible and able to handle the complexities of a relationship!
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