In a mixed-faith marriage, it’s common for couples to reach a point where they no longer feel as compatible as they once did. The “love chemicals” that initially gloss over differences eventually fade, making those differences more apparent. Additionally, people evolve over time, and life circumstances shift, sometimes making differences feel more polarizing. Couples may question how they can make their relationship work when they see things differently, prioritize different values, and hold opposing beliefs. Some may even wonder if their differences are too extreme to be workable or if they would find more compatibility in a relationship with someone who shares their beliefs.
Compatibility vs. Unity in Mixed-Faith Relationships
Some forms of compatibility are essential for a relationship’s success, such as shared big-picture values and goals. For example, a couple where one partner desires children while the other wants a child-free life may find these big-picture differences to be unmanageable. Similarly, one partner seeking a monogamous relationship while the other wants an open relationship presents a fundamental incompatibility. Religion and beliefs can also be significant differences, but for many couples, even in a mixed-faith marriage, their overarching values and goals for having a fulfilling relationship and raising their kids to be good humans remain aligned, even if they have very different beliefs about many aspects of their day-to-day lives.
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Dr. John Gottman’s extensive research on couples highlights that ALL relationships encounter perpetual problems—issues that stem from fundamental differences that never fully resolve. Compatibility does not eliminate these differences. Dr. Gottman also found that while compatibility plays an important role in initial attraction, it plays less of a role in long-term relationship success. He found that long-term relationship success was determined more by how couples build a strong partnership and navigate their inevitable differences. He calls this concept “unity” which he defines as not being the same, but doing life together.
Compatibility Alone Does Not Create Unity
Unfortunately, compatibility does not automatically create unity (the ability to do life together). If it did, relationships would be far easier! Unity must be intentionally cultivated through self-awareness, emotional maturity, and relational skills to name a few. A strong partnership that creates unity requires more than shared interests or beliefs.
Many leading relationship experts have identified various key ingredients necessary to build unity beyond compatibility. Below are three essential elements that contribute to lasting relational success, especially in mixed-faith marriages:
1. Flexibility
Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Pete Pearson, renowned couples therapists, emphasize that it’s not necessarily differences that end relationships—it’s rigidity. They state:
“In our experience, few differences prove insurmountable. We find that what topples relationships and leaves little choice but divorce are not problems, but rigidities in one or both partners.” (Bader & Pearson, Tell Me No Lies)
Similarly, Dr. Dan Siegel, founder of interpersonal neurobiology, identifies flexibility as a key component of both psychological and relational well-being. His research indicates that emotional and relational health depend on the ability to remain flexible and adaptable rather than rigid or chaotic.
Without flexibility in a mixed-faith marriage, couples struggle to find middle ground, compromise, and navigate the natural give-and-take of a relationship. Rigidity makes it difficult—if not impossible—for a relationship to thrive, whereas flexibility fosters unity by allowing couples to navigate differences together.
2. Democracy in the Relationship
For unity to exist, both partners must engage as equals. Couples therapist Terry Real emphasizes this principle, stating:
“In order to help people move into true intimacy, they must be same-as. You cannot love from above or below. Love demands democracy.”
When one partner believes that their values, priorities, and beliefs make them superior to their spouse, they create an imbalance in the relationship. True unity requires viewing each other as equals, acknowledging that different perspectives do not make one person inferior or less deserving of respect.
A key indicator of a lack of democracy in a relationship is contempt—when one partner looks down on the other as inferior. Dr. Gottman’s research identifies contempt as the #1 predictor of divorce. If mutual respect is absent, no amount of compatibility can save the relationship. Addressing and eliminating contempt is crucial for fostering unity and creating a thriving mixed-faith marriage.
3. Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation
Regardless of areas of compatibility, certain behaviors and attitudes will erode connection over time in a mixed-faith marriage. Couples therapist Terry Real highlights five “losing strategies” that can destroy relationships:
Needing to Be Right
Unbridled Self-Expression
Control
Withdrawal
Retaliation
Dr. Gottman also identifies similar destructive behaviors, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, that predict relationship failure:
Contempt
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Regardless of how compatible a couple may be, engaging in these behaviors will weaken their connection over time. Self-awareness is essential for recognizing which behaviors contribute to disconnection. Once identified, self-regulation is necessary to shift away from these destructive patterns and replace them with healthier, more constructive ways of interacting. Working on one’s own behavior is a vital step toward building a strong and unified partnership and mixed-faith marriage.
While it may seem that these negative behaviors wouldn’t emerge if a couple didn’t experience much difference due to their compatibility, the reality is that it is unavoidable to experience fundamental differences in relationships where you won’t see eye to eye and won’t understand each other. Differences are inevitable, but the behavior around those differences will determine whether you can create unity and do life together in a mixed-faith marriage.
Conclusion
In a mixed-faith marriage—or any relationship—compatibility alone does not determine success. While some differences may be too fundamental to reconcile, many couples with belief differences find that they can still create a sense of doing life together, or unity, when working on their relational aptitude using the abovementioned characteristics. Unity is built not on sameness but on how a couple can navigate their differences together. Flexibility, equality, self-awareness, and emotional regulation are critical elements in fostering a relationship that thrives beyond compatibility.
Rather than focusing solely on whether you and your partner are compatible, consider how you can cultivate unity. Are you both willing to engage with flexibility? Do you see each other as equals? Are you aware of and in control of behaviors that may harm the relationship? By intentionally working on these aspects, you can improve your ability to do life together.
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