One of the most foundational relationship skills in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), the model I am trained in, is "Relational Mindfulness." According to its founder, Terry Real, Relational Mindfulness "is the art of shifting from your automatic reactions during stress or conflict into a calmer, more considered, mature response. It’s stopping for a brief moment and centering yourself. Observing, just as in all forms of mindfulness, the thoughts, feelings, and impulses that arise—and choosing something different."
Why Relational Mindfulness Matters
This is a foundational relational skill because, without the ability to mindfully observe what you are doing, recognize your internal state, or notice the knee-jerk reactions you are about to engage in (or are already acting on), you can’t stop to choose a more relational response. If you cannot choose something different in the moment, you will likely remain stuck in the same patterns, feeling like your conversations and conflicts go nowhere.
This becomes particularly important when managing differences as a couple. Differences with our partner can activate our nervous system, triggering automatic responses such as:
Escalating our energy and tone
Becoming defensive
Needing to be right
Expressing contempt and judgment
Withdrawing or shutting down
Conflicts around different perspectives often have a long history where one or both partners felt misunderstood, hurt, dismissed, or frustrated—especially when the same issues come up repeatedly. Our nervous systems tend to go into flight, flight, or fix responses in these areas of repeated conflict. As Dr. John Gottman describes, many of these conflicts are "perpetual problems"—fundamental differences that may never be fully resolved. When these issues arise, we often default to the same knee-jerk responses we’ve always used, contributing to feeling stuck when it comes to your different perspectives.
Breaking the Cycle with Relational Mindfulness
One of the main reasons couples feel stuck when trying to navigate their differences is that their nervous systems are running the show. When relational mindfulness is lacking, these automatic reactions take over, making it difficult to shift toward a healthier interaction.
If you want to get unstuck, relational mindfulness is the key to opening up new possibilities. When you can track your internal state, recognize your go-to knee-jerk responses, and notice yourself gravitating toward them, you create an opportunity to pause and choose something different. This pause is the gateway to change.
Strengthening Your Relational Mindfulness
Like any other skill, relational mindfulness improves with practice. It involves strengthening your ability to observe yourself in interactions by noticing things like:
Your body: Where do you feel tension? How is your breathing? Are you clenching, slouching, or fidgeting? What message is your body sending you about your internal state?
Your mind: What thoughts are running through your head? Are you thinking something like “He always…” or “She never…”? What do these thoughts tell you about your emotional state?
Your emotions: Are you feeling fear, anger, or shame? What emotions are driving your response?
Your impulses: What are you resisting the urge to do? Are you holding back from interrupting, shutting down, or raising your voice?
When we can observe all these things as they are happening, we create a space between stimulus and response. In that space, we can slow down, take a breath, and choose a more constructive response.
Creating New Possibilities
As Viktor Frankl wisely said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
With relational mindfulness, you can:
Replace defensiveness with curiosity and openness.
Let go of needing to be right and instead be interested and care about your partner’s experience.
Stay present and engaged instead of withdrawing.
Soften your tone instead of escalating.
The power of relational mindfulness lies in its ability to create new possibilities for connection. No one likes to feel powerless and stuck, but by practicing relational mindfulness, you gain the ability to break free from old patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling interactions in your relationship.
Managing Differences with Relational Mindfulness
Having relational mindfulness isn't a magic pill. It doesn’t mean you will always see eye to eye—you likely won’t. It doesn’t mean you will resolve all the discrepancies in your differences—you won’t. But it does mean that you can manage your differences with more skill, less reactivity, and greater possibilities for positive and healthy interactions. By practicing relational mindfulness, your differences become more manageable, allowing for more positive connection and understanding even when complete agreement isn’t possible.
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