Compromise may seem like an intuitive skill in marriage, but when it comes to fundamental differences—especially in a mixed-faith marriage—it quickly becomes clear that it's not as simple as it seems.
Many couples attempt compromise around Sundays, tithing, or children's participation in church, only to end up feeling frustrated and stuck. Why? Because effective compromise requires more than just meeting in the middle—it often requires a structured approach.
In this guide, we'll break down:
Why compromise is harder than you think
Common mistakes mixed-faith couples make
A step-by-step process for making compromise work
Before You Try to Compromise in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
Compromise is an advanced relational skill. It requires:
The ability to honor perspectives different from your own
A willingness to be generous and flexible out of love for your spouse
Letting go of immediate gratification for the long-term health of your relationship
These are not easy tasks because they go against our brain’s natural survival instincts. When faced with stress and conflict, we often default to:
Fight – Trying to overpower our partner, becoming rigid or insistent
Flight – Avoiding the conversation altogether, distancing mentally, emotionally, or physically
Fix – Withholding our truth to keep the peace, sacrificing our needs to prevent conflict
These self-protective strategies happen automatically—often in as little as 1/8 of a second, blocking collaborative compromise. Recognizing them is the first step toward managing them effectively.
Getting Unstuck: Why Outside Support Can Help
If compromise feels impossible, it may be due to these fight, flight, or fix patterns blocking progress.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is an effective modality that helps couples and individuals navigate these roadblocks. You can find an RLT practitioner through the Relational Life Therapy Directory.
I also incorporate RLT principles in my coaching to help couples move past their sticking points and find a way forward.
Step 1: Get in the Right Mindset for Relationship Compromise
Compromise cannot happen when either partner is in a reactive state. Before working toward a solution, you must:
Tame your instinct to fight
Stay engaged instead of withdrawing
Speak up for yourself instead of placating your partner
This is where many mixed-faith couples get stuck—they attempt compromise while still in conflict.
Experts in negotiation, like Roger Fisher and William Ury of the Harvard Negotiation Project, highlight this as a major issue:
“The human propensity for defensive and reactive behavior is one of the reasons so many negotiations fail when agreement would otherwise make sense.”
Timing Matters
Don’t try to compromise during conflict. When emotions run high, your brain prioritizes self-preservation responses, making logical and collaborative problem-solving nearly impossible.
Instead, schedule a conversation when you’re both calm, well-rested, and able to access your most thoughtful, diplomatic selves.
Step 2: The Compromise Process for a Mixed-Faith Marriage
Once you’ve calmed reactivity and are in a place of openness, you’re ready to work through compromise step by step.
The Gottman Method’s Approach to Compromise
Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed an effective framework for compromise. Here’s how it works:
1. Choose One Specific Topic
Focus on one issue at a time, such as:
Church attendance
Tithing
Religious practices in the home
2. Identify Your Core Needs
Each person pinpoints one or two fundamental needs driving their position (e.g., autonomy, structure, belonging).
If you’re unsure of your core needs, you can refer to this list of common human needs to guide your reflection.
3. Determine Areas of Flexibility
Ask yourself:
Where can I be flexible?
Is there a middle ground that still honors my values?
Could adjustments be made in the timeline, amount, or approach?
Each person should be able to identify multiple areas of flexibility. If flexibility is hard to find, professional guidance can help uncover underlying resistance.
4. Find a Win-Win Solution
Use your areas of flexibility to create a compromise that honors both partners' core needs.
A successful compromise doesn’t mean you get everything you want. It means neither person feels disregarded, and both partners see their core needs ultimately being honored and respected.
For more on the Gottman Method and the "Art of Compromise," visit the Gottman Institute website.
The Reality of Compromise: It Won’t Always Feel Good
One common misconception is that a "good compromise" will leave both partners feeling happy and satisfied. In reality, effective compromise often feels uncomfortable because it requires stretching outside of your comfort zone.
“Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.” — Dr. John Gottman
Compromise Isn’t Permanent
Think of compromise as a work in progress.
What works today may need adjustment in the future
Life circumstances change—stay flexible and revisit agreements as needed
Final Thought: Compromise is an Act of Creativity
True compromise requires thinking outside the box. As negotiation expert Roger Fisher puts it:
“By definition, inventing new ideas requires you to think about things that are not already in your mind.”
Approach compromise as a creative process—one that allows you both to stay true to yourselves while strengthening your connection. With practice, you’ll build the relational "muscle memory" to compromise on even the most complex challenges together.
As Fisher and Ury emphasize in Getting to Yes:
“Reading a pamphlet on the Royal Canadian Air Force fitness program will not make you physically fit. Studying books on tennis, swimming, riding a bicycle, or riding a horse will not make you an expert. Negotiation is no different.”
Ready to Take This Further?
If you're struggling to find a workable compromise in your mixed-faith marriage, I can help.
Book a coaching session today to work on compromise, or explore additional resources on my website.
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