When Your Partner Won’t Collaborate: How to Speak Up With Love
- Suzette Halterman
- May 17
- 6 min read
Feeling dismissed or unheard in your relationship? You’re not alone. Many people struggle with how to speak up in a relationship—especially when their partner won’t collaborate or avoids conflict. This post will show you how to advocate for yourself with love and conviction so you can create a relationship grounded in mutual respect and collaboration.
Not all relationships operate with true equality—where both partners’ perspectives are respected and included in decision-making. Sometimes one partner dominates a particular area; in other cases, the imbalance is more pervasive.
As Terry Real wisely puts it:
“Intimacy requires democracy.”
In other words, both voices must be heard and honored in a healthy relationship for intimacy to thrive.
In an ideal world, equality would happen naturally. But in reality, it often doesn’t. True relational democracy requires emotional maturity, communication skills, and a willingness to collaborate and share power—skills that many people simply weren’t taught growing up.
We tend to replicate the dynamics modeled in our families of origin—or react in unhealthy ways to them. If collaboration wasn't part of your early environment, it’s unlikely to emerge effortlessly in your adult relationships.
People may resist collaboration for all kinds of reasons:
They’ve never developed empathy or perspective-taking skills.
They don’t realize that others might see things differently.
They’re deeply uncomfortable with conflict or differences.
They’re used to getting their way and struggle to adjust.
Whatever the cause, lack of collaboration becomes a real obstacle—especially when you're trying to navigate meaningful differences.
Differences Are Inevitable
According to Dr. John Gottman, all couples have perpetual problems—issues where they’ll never fully agree. This is normal, even in strong relationships.
Because differences are unavoidable, the ability to work through them together is essential for long-term health and connection.
When one partner resists collaboration, it places a growing strain on the relationship. If this sounds familiar—and you're the partner who feels stuck or sidelined—know this:
Real change starts when one partner begins to stand up for more—not with criticism, blame, or control, but with conviction and love.
Collaboration likely won’t improve on its own. If you're reading this, the responsibility to initiate change may fall on you.
The Right Way to Speak Up
Like any relationship skill, advocating for yourself can be done skillfully—or unskillfully.
Some common but ineffective ways include:
Complaining
Harshness or criticism
Passive-aggressive communication or behavior
Indirect hints or manipulation
What’s more effective? Terry Real calls it “standing up for yourself with love.”This approach is neither passive nor critical—it’s about being grounded, assertive, and caring all at once.
A Step-by-Step Guide On How To Speak Up In Your Relationship
Step 1: Start with a Specific, Kind Request
Make your request clear, specific, and diplomatic. Avoid vague or generalized appeals.
✅ Example:“I’d like to sit down this week and come up with a compromise for how we handle the dishes in the house.”
❌ Instead of saying:“I’m the only one who ever cleans the house. I need you to contribute more.”
✅ Try saying:“Can we talk this evening about how we want to handle the dish chores after dinner?”
If your request is ignored: That’s not unusual. Try again. Give it a few days, then make another attempt. Change takes repetition and persistence. If you’ve tried at least 2–3 times without traction, it’s time to move to the next step.
Step 2: When Your Partner Won't Collaborate —Taking a Stand Using an “I-Position”
This is where you clearly express your convictions, boundaries, and willingness.
1) Start With Your Why
Why does this matter to you? Why are you pushing for change, despite the discomfort?
Examples:
“I want this relationship to last.”
“I don’t want to live in quiet resentment.”
“I want our kids to see a healthy, respectful partnership that makes room for both of our preferences.”
“I want to feel more connected to you and less invisible in this relationship.”
2) State What You’re No Longer Willing to Do
This is where congruence comes in—aligning your outward actions with your inner truth. Name the specific things within your control that you are no longer willing to do.
Examples:
“I’m no longer willing to stay silent about this.”
“I’m no longer willing to go along with plans about _____ that don’t include my input.”
“I’m no longer willing to help you by ______ when you aren’t taking my voice into consideration.”
“I’m not willing to continue pretending I’m okay about ______ when I’m not.”
This isn’t manipulation—it’s honesty.“I care enough about this relationship to stop pretending I’m fine when I’m not. I’m willing to risk some discomfort to advocate for something better.”
3) Clarify What You Are Willing to Do
Demonstrate relational collaboration. Balance your firmness with diplomacy and a spirit of partnership. Focus on what you’re offering.
Examples:
“I’m willing to hear your perspective.”
“I’m willing to compromise.”
“I’m willing to wait a few months if we agree on a plan.”
“I’m willing to get professional help together.”
“I’m willing to listen, even if we don’t agree.”
4) Find Out What You Can Do to Help Them Move Into Relational Collaboration
End with generosity. Ask what you might be doing that makes collaboration harder—and be open to their feedback.
Examples:
“I’d love to hear what I can do that would make this feel more possible for you.”
“What do you need from me in order to be able to collaborate on this?”
We all have blind spots. Be courageous enough to stay open to learning about yourself, too.
Step 3: If Nothing Changes, Increase Your Congruence
If your partner still refuses to engage and you need to continue to advocate for yourself in your relationship:
Raise the stakes—not with threats, but with honest follow-through. If you’re continuing to make their life easier while they refuse to collaborate, it’s time to stop doing so as a way of aligning with your values.
That doesn’t mean threatening the relationship. There are many ways to express conviction without ultimatums.
Set firmer boundaries.
Be clear about what you are no longer willing to do in the relationship, for them, or with them if collaboration continues to be one-sided.
Reduce the actions you're taking that support the status quo.
Partners often do things for each other out of generosity, but if generosity isn’t mutual, it can become enabling. Withholding your energy and efforts when they’re not reciprocated is how you show—through action—that you’re serious about not continuing as-is.
Don’t escalate with blame or criticism. And don’t withdraw in silence. Keep moving forward in alignment with your value of equality.
Conviction is what makes the difference—conviction to follow through and stop enabling the same dynamic.
Real-Life “I-Position” Examples
“I’m committed to a relationship that continues to grow in love, so I’m not willing to keep quiet about how we’re handling parenting decisions regarding ______. It’s affecting how I feel toward you. I’m willing to collaborate and hear your concerns, and I want to know what I can do to make it easier for you to find some middle ground in this area. I love you and don’t want resentment to come between us.”
“I want our kids to grow up seeing a healthy relationship, so I’m no longer willing to just go along with your decisions about religion in the home. I’m no longer willing to do all the work on Sunday mornings to get the kids ready for church. I am willing to sit down this week and find a plan that respects both of our religious views on Sundays. I want to know what I can do to help us find a more balanced compromise. I want to be a team—because I love you and I don’t want resentment to grow between us.”
Final Thoughts
Standing up for yourself with love is about conviction and congruence.
It’s not about control.It’s not about blame. It’s about aligning your actions with your values—done with care, clarity, and courage.
Once you’ve spoken up clearly and lovingly:
Let go of the outcome.
Give your partner space to respond.
If needed, repeat the process.
And if things remain stuck, seek help.
Relational collaboration is a learned skill. If your efforts aren’t working, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It likely means there are complexities blocking connection—ones that need professional support.
Where to Go from Here
If you’re struggling to feel heard or included in your relationship, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Reach out. Get help. Your voice matters.Let’s work together to help you stand for relational collaboration and build a relationship that honors both of you.
Contact me at suzettehaltermancoaching@gmail.com or set up a free consultation HERE.
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